Me, As I Was

Listen.

It was years ago that I felt it.  Time stopped the way it must when you brush skin, or catch someone’s eye, or hear a scream.  Every molecule inside my body spread out like an orb to cover my heart, my memories, and the ones I loved.  I tried to become an explosion… and a shield, at the same time.  And it worked.  I was blown out into orbit around them all to hold them in place like a lonely moon.

As time went on, it felt like gravity slowly placing pressure on the borders, molding them closer to each other and me in the center, slightly spinning.

I thought the quiet out there was beautiful.  I was sad and at peace.  I didn’t think it could happen again.

It did.  It was a final pulse exploding outward… expanding my edges, which held at their breaking point.  The effort required such energy, it consumed my core. And, I still feel this way, burned out with space around every tiny bit of me.  I am never fully together.

Time has been busy pulling me closer to who I was…  but let me tell you, in the out pour of energy some of what I was has been magnetized…  and some of those charges have flipped… I am no longer drawn in but firmly kept at bay from my own self.

So it's too late.

When I see someone who looks like me on the inside…  someone who feels familiar…  yeah, I get sad again.  I remember what it was like to have drive and dreams.  I remember what it was like to have confidence.  wanting to be around them is like wanting to be home.

and if you are the one i see, and you resent it:  get off my back.  you don’t know me.  you don’t know what i want.
Because I just want to be kept together.  I want the strength of your arms to push against the power of my like-charges and hold me in place.

and i want to be comfortable in my own skin again

but i’m an empty bag flapping in the wind like sails.